Realizing my Sexuality~

Phew, a bit of a heavy, candid post today. If you're not interested, feel free to click away! ^_^

A couple of days ago I had an epiphany. Everything that had been bothering me for the last several years, in fact, seemed to fall completely into place. I guess that's the sort of thing that happens when you realize your sexuality- because that's a major component of our lives!. All of the problems and questions that I had before seemed to resolve themselves, and even my judgement of other people dissipated. I really wanted to talk about my experience, to get it into words. Perhaps to better arrange my thoughts, perhaps as a way to think it out. But anyways, I'll start from the beginning.

I started high school in a very typical way. I was like most students- wanted to find someone to date, I wanted to love and to be loved. I feel like this feeling was more intense for me- I wasn't popular at all in middle school, often the butt of a joke; few people took interest in me. I really wanted that to change in high school. And it did! The first month of school I found a boyfriend, and though our relationship ended long ago, he remains incredibly close to me this day, and is a huge source of support (he helped me go through all these realizations). But that's not quite the point. 

Most of my high school experience was the same- I didn't think that there was anything different about me in regards to dating and other such things. I had boyfriends, but we never really lasted for long. But.... college I realized something else. At my current college, there's a very big party scene, and thus a large hook-up culture. Several people I know talk about these things in avid interest, and I find myself not understanding it much. Lots of people I know also talked casually about the subject, but really I couldn't see what they found that interesting. Sure, I guess it would be fun, but so is eating good sushi or going to an interesting museum! And I'd much rather do that.

I had never really taken much interest in hooking up with someone I didn't know well- it didn't make sense to me. I thought I was old fashioned, or "prudish"- but that just didn't really feel, and it wasn't quite what I was thinking. It was less of a moral issue, and more... something else. It still felt like everyone around me was 'hypersexual' (in relation to myself)- and I felt very out of place. I found myself judging people because of that, and I didn't like judging people. I just felt so different from everyone else that I found it better to think that they were different, rather than myself.

Now, I've always had strange feelings about sexual things. I'm generally quite uncomfortable about that subject, and usually wish to avoid it. I was talking with my friend about all of these problems combined and he suggested something: perhaps I was asexual? I had considered that I might be in the past, but given that I had felt attraction towards people I dated before, I had dismissed it. But, being in the state I was at the moment, I decided to look into it more-- and that's when I was led to demisexuality. Everything came crashing down into place- it all began to make sense.

A demisexual is someone who only feels sexual attraction to those they're heavily emotionally attached to. 'Demi' sexual, because it's between asexuality and allosexuality. Now, this might sound like most people- wanting to get to know people before getting intimate with them, but it's not quite like that. It's not like I have to exercise some sort of restraint over myself, that I'm not having one night stands because it's not 'proper'-- I just don't have these desires in the first place, and they only arise when I feel emotional attachment to a person as well.

I think this is a difficult sexuality to explain, because if you don't understand what it's like to not feel sexual attraction to people (even to those you may find aesthetically attractive), it's difficult to understand what I mean. I'm going to try to put this into other terms I see it by- it's like the difference between introverts and extroverts. Extroverts want the company of a large group- they seek it out. Introverts, however, have little interest in this. And that's sort of how I see those on the asexual spectrum, and myself. 

Attraction can be a confusing topic with some crossing over, but there are different types. Sexual attraction is what demisexuals don't feel unless they're emotionally attracted to someone- they can feel other types of attraction! I think it's a common misconception to think "oh, you said that girl is pretty, so you're not demisexual". I can think a girl is pretty- that doesn't mean I want to do sexual things with her. That I can relate to- what I can't relate to is seeing someone at the club and being like "ooh look at that booty, I would do things alllll night long with them".

A useful comic explaining different types of attraction, for clarification!
(Credit goes to the original artist- I found this on tumblr)

I think that realizing this identity has made me so, so much more comfortable in my own skin. I felt very out of place before- I felt behind on the times in comparison to everyone else, I felt that no one else was like me. Sex just isn't something I'm interested in, and I thought that I was alone in that thinking. But no! There's a term for it, and there are so many people who feel the same way as I do. I'm not alone, I'm not different from everyone else. There are people who can relate to my feelings on the matter. 

Realizing this identity has also made me a better person I think. I find myself placing judgement on others much less. I used to think that they just 'couldn't control their urges'- but I think that I would be the same way if I did feel sexual attraction. And there's nothing wrong with that! People should do what they want; so long as everything is consensual (and legal), there's nothing wrong with it. I now see that those who are allosexual just think differently than I do- it's like the difference between introverts and extroverts. Introverts don't go judging extroverts for wanting to go to parties or to spend time with lots of people, because that's just what they want. If you told an extrovert they had to be alone for a month I'm sure they'd have a much more negative reaction than an introvert would. It's just a different way of functioning. People flourish in different environments, and they have different needs.

I'm not quite sure if I've explained the whole situation eloquently, but I just wanted to share my epiphany of self. I know the label 'demisexual' is often scoffed at or seen as ridiculous, but I think it describes the most adequately my identity, and how it relates to the identities of everyone around me.  And if that makes me feel more at peace with myself, why should that matter? I no longer feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't want to hook-up with people. I no longer feel broken because I rarely experience sexual attraction. I no longer feel isolated from everyone for not acting like them. I no longer feel confused about how I am, why I am that way, why I can't be like everyone else. And I'm very grateful for that.

Anyways...
If you happened to read the entire post, yay for you! And thank you for reading.
Until next time,

Intro~

Hi everyone!

If you've somehow stumbled upon this blog not through my main blog, then hello! I'm Sakura, a 17 year old girl studying chemical engineering at university. I like art, books, Japanese fashion, and all things cute~ 

So, I realized that there were a lot of things I wanted to talk about, but most of them didn't really fit into what my beauty/fashion blog was all about, so I decided to create a separate blog for them! ^_^

I'll mostly be writing about the (somewhat) more personal details of my life- my thoughts, my life- things that don't quite fit in with circle lens reviews.

So, if you're interested in that sort of stuff, your following me would be much appreciated! ^_^

I don't know how frequently I'll post- I suppose just as often as the urge strikes me.

Anyways, thanks for checking this blog out!

*sends love*

Bye!